Forgiveness is such a tough word for everyone – both in understanding what it means and in its practice.
And that’s just in thinking about applying it to forgiving OTHER people.
But ya know what’s even harder? Forgiving ourselves.
And given that we are all quarantined in our homes right now – life can be beautifully wonderful – but it can also be incredibly tricky.
Many of us are trying to do our best — to cope with the anxieties this pandemic and the economic impacts have brought on, to home-school our kids, to find ways to entertain ourselves and/or our families, to cook and feed everyone with limited access to groceries or restaurants, and (if applicable) also complete our work responsibilities — all within our four little walls, with little or no space for whatever we usually do to keep ourselves balanced and sane.
I felt like forgiving ourselves was probably an important topic today.
Now don’t get me wrong – forgiveness towards ourselves is hard when we’ve screwed up royally (and don’t kid yourself – if you’ve done anything worth doing in this life – you have probably screwed up big time). But, more frequently, I encounter scenarios in which people struggle with extending themselves the every day grace that we all need so badly. The grace that’s required when we lost our temper, spoken before we thought, or just generally fallen short of our own internal expectations for ourselves.
And what we’re all going through right now is hard.
We keep doing our best every day – but if you’re like me – then every day you also feel like you’re failing at multiple points along the way.
Maybe it’s because being with your kids (or your significant other, or all by yourself) ALL DAY, EVERY DAY is wearing on your patience and your nerves (this is absolutely me today!).
Maybe it’s because you can’t find enough time to do what you need to do for your job or career or household.
Maybe it’s because you keep seeing all these posts online about how you should be using this time to gain a new skill, or learn something new, or get in shape – and you can’t fathom how you’re supposed to find the time or energy to do that.
Maybe it’s because you’re feeling depressed and isolated being kept away from friends and family.
Maybe it’s because your anxiety is through the roof worrying about if you’ll get sick, or what will happen if you don’t see a paycheck soon, or what will happen to your business, or how you will recreate your career in this new era – and that’s causing you to feel paralyzed or irritable.
I could keep going, but you get the idea and hopefully – if you’re still reading – you see yourself in some version of these descriptions (or maybe you want to add one in the comments below).
Now, let’s talk about forgiveness…
Let’s start by acknowledging that all of these are totally normal responses to the situation we are currently in.
I used the word NORMAL on purpose. A normal response simply means that it’s within reason, it’s understandable. If you step back and take stock of the bigger picture and how stressful and unique it is – then the emotions we are feeling in response to it become very understandable – and therefore normal.
We have just been thrust into completely unknown territory and are trying our best to navigate uncharted waters.
Because this is all so uniquely new – we are bound to fail.
Yes, fail.
And yes, failing is a completely expected thing to be happening to you in this situation.
It’s not like we were prepared or could have planned for managing this scenario any better than we currently are. So, do me a favor and let yourself off the hook for a second (I’ll do my best to let myself off the hook, too!).
Because we weren’t prepared and will therefore fail at times – we are bound to have our emotions overwhelm us some days. To make the wrong choice when confronted with a situation that we can’t control. To shut down when we should be pushing forward. And we are bound to not live up to the expectations we set for ourselves.
And that’s ok.
There is no “right” way to live through a pandemic.
But…
The wheels start to fall off when we pile negative self-talk, guilt, shame, and pressure onto the failures we perceive we’ve already made.
Then it’s not just a momentary failure anymore.
Momentary failures are things we can regroup from pretty quickly. It’s like tripping on your own feet but recovering your stride like it never happened.
When we start piling negativity onto our failure, it becomes a never ending spiral of negativity that we have a much harder time breaking free from. Now that trip becomes a flat on your face fall in front of everyone you know kind of failure (you know those embarrassing falls where you just want the ground to open up and suck you in – that’s what I’m talking about). Those are much more difficult to regroup from.
And so, forgiveness.
Cultivating forgiveness and extending grace towards ourselves is so important right now.
It’s also vital to be doing this for others around us as well – but I’ve found most people struggle with applying it to themselves. And when they don’t do that super important internal work – they end up projecting their emotions onto others. Not only does this leave them unable to help themselves, but also unable to help, forgive, and extend grace to those around them.
But how do we even begin to extend forgiveness to ourselves?
Let’s start with a simple mantra: “I’m doing my best”
That’s an important one to repeat when you’re feeling like you’re failing.
Remember, your best is all you can require of yourself.
Your best may not be perfect – but perfect is an impossible standard to meet.
Therefore, our first step is to adjust our expectation and to remind ourselves of the actual expectation over and over again…
“I’m doing my best”
And once you’ve repeated the mantra and reminded yourself of the goal you are shooting for – take a second to feel whatever it is you’re feeling. Let it wash over you for a few seconds. See if you can label it and really tune in to what it feels like in your body.
Then take a deep breath – as big of a breath as you can take – hold it at the top – open your mouth and let. it. all. go.
Let the emotion go with it.
Say to yourself – “it’s ok, I’m ok, let’s try again”
I’ve had to do this multiple times today. Today has been a hard day. I’m writing this between multiple toddler meltdowns, tearful time-outs, and very nearly Mommy meltdowns.
I feel like I’ve been less than a stellar parent today.
I’m having a hard time giving my daughter grace because I’m having a hard time giving myself grace.
There’s a lot of pressure rolling around in my internal self-talk today.
“It’s ok, I’m ok, Let’s Try Again.”
I also recognize that I got some work done today. We had a dance party in the living room today. We are about to work on some crafts and skill acquisition books that she loves. My daughter is well fed, safe, and very, very loved. And she knows it. She is currently running around the house belting out Frozen songs and giggling uncontrollably. She is very happy.
And so, deep breath –
“I’m doing my best. It’s ok. I’m ok. Let’s try this again”
Forgiveness.
As always, Stay Healthy as Heck, KH
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