I talk about new beginnings a lot… probably because I’ve had more than my share!

Degrees, businesses, break ups… Been there, done it all. Amongst all the beautiful moments on this ride, I’ve failed a lot and made a lot of mistakes.  Some of those mistakes were small blips on the radar, while others were heartbreaking.

If you’ve read my bio (if not, click here), you know the path my career has taken and you know that recently I decided to sell my dream business.  The reality behind that decision is more complicated and frustrating than it sounds on my bio page.  In fact,  in hindsight I’d say the decision to even go down the  road of opening that business was one of the bigger mistakes in my life.  It hurt financially, but the bigger toll was emotional.

I’m not going to name names (mostly because I can’t legally do so), but I am going to get a little raw about the experience and it’s consequences.  This will be the first of a series of entries on this topic.  Recently, I read about some lawsuits going on in the yoga community.  Many described this legal battle as a modern “David and Goliath” type of scenario.  A big company going after the little guys that worked for/with them.  I had a visceral response to that lawsuit because it sounded all-to-familiar in so many ways.  That said, I realize there are others out there who have been, or are, in situations in which you are battling a modern Goliath and might be able to connect with the thoughts/experiences I’ll share.

In this age of social media, countless franchises, and huge corporations, it is often the case that the little guy gets abused by the people at the top.  It sucks.  There is no other way to describe it.  And if you’ve been in that place, you will appreciate this series of posts because you will see yourself in my words. Hopefully, lessons I’ve learned and perspective I’ve gained will help you as you navigate your own challenges and work through your own healing.

Prior to this most recent business endeavor, I was in the process of building a successful therapy practice.  I was making good money and working with an amazing group of therapists.  There were some aspects of my career that I wasn’t happy with, but overall, life was good.  I made the decision to switch careers because I was offered an opportunity that was truly once in a lifetime – or so it seemed. It was one of those moments where you have to decide if you’re going to play it safe, or go for it. I’m a believer in going for it… so I did.

For a while, it was pretty good.  I started a business from the ground up, in a brand new city, and without a lot of support.  I turned it into one of the most successful branches in our company.  While this was all happening, friends and family had misgivings about the people I worked for and with, but I honestly believed in the mission we had and my ability to be successful.  So, I continued to push through the corporate bullying, malicious behavior, and toxic environment in an effort to be so good that people couldn’t ignore me.

When things fell apart, it was hard for a lot of reasons, but the biggest one was… I had always been successful and considered myself to be smart.  I mean, shit, I had a doctorate for God’s sake!  How do you miss so many signs, get treated so badly, and get connected with such a toxic company when you’re supposed to be smart?  I mean, that’s a humongous blow to your sense of self.

It ended up being the kind of mistake that makes you question your judgement and your ability to decide who to trust. It’s the type that hits your self-esteem and makes you question your abilities. The one that leaves you wondering what to do next (at almost 37 years young). Not everyone experiences mistakes like this. They are the product of taking professional risks.  They are the product of taking a leap when the information you have is incomplete – at best.  It’s the product of coming in on the ground floor of something that doesn’t have a lot of data behind it yet.  You hope for the best, but you really never know.

So while I took the last year off to enjoy my newborn’s first year (and I loved having the opportunity to do that), I  tried to avoid thinking about many of the things I had left behind. But now that she is turning one and some of my time is freeing up, I’m forced to process through the crappy emotional toll left behind after half a decade in a toxic business environment.

It’s not fun, and it’s the reason this blog stalled after I published it. There’s been a lot of second guessing, questioning, feeling not good enough, worrying about judgement… and it can be so debilitating sometimes.

So the first entry of this series is going to focus on finding the lessons. If I’ve learned anything along the way, it’s that every step in this life is guiding you towards something bigger. Something grander. Even when it looks like that is impossible. Those mistakes and failures were put on your path to teach you something so that you can be ready for the next level.  But in order to be ready, you have to learn the lesson that step was supposed to give you.

I used to tell my therapy clients that life has a funny way of teaching you things:

 

I think this was likely a brick wall for me.  (Remember those people who had misgivings? Those were the whispers) So, I’m stopping to take stock of what I’m supposed to learn here.   Hopefully, these can be your whispers so you might avoid the painful wall I hit (but am determined to bounce off of!) or help you see that you’re not alone.

Lessons learned:

• I can build a business from the ground up and make it successful.  I would have never known I was capable of this before.
• Sometimes you have to walk away from things you love.  Separating yourself from toxic people and environments is way more important than outward measures of success or keeping up the front.
•Stay away from any person/business that suggests that you should spend more time working and less time loving your friends and family.  I’ve lost contact with great friends and missed important family events.  I can’t get those back.
•Any person that needs to put you down to hold themselves up is not worth your time and energy.
•Silence is better than fighting and/or sharing your thoughts when it falls on deaf ears or maintains unnecessary drama. Sometimes, it’s better to just walk away.
•Like the bullet above, you never “win” when you are battling narcissism, manipulation, or deceit.  Again – Just. Walk. Away.
•Always do your due diligence.  If you think you’ve done it, double-check it.  Manipulative people are good at making coal look like gold.  Look for legitimate credentials, degrees, significant awards, or a body of work that is undeniably remarkable.  If none of those exist… run, don’t walk, in the other direction.

I’m in the process of learning:
•That even when you feel defeated, you can begin again. There is always another chance… and often it’s better than whatever you left behind.
•That forgiveness is ridiculously hard, but ridiculously important. Forgiving others, and more importantly, yourself is imperative for moving forward.
•It all takes time… be patient
•When someone shows you who they are the first time, don’t think it will change.
•You don’t need to be waiting for whatever went around, to come back around. Those are someone else’s lessons to learn. You have better things to spend your time on.
•Other people’s recognition of your skills and talent is unnecessary.  If someone doesn’t value you, move on immediately.

And finally, I learned that my experiences can be really helpful for others… so, here I am. Back at it. I’ll be sharing more about all this in future posts. Hopefully, some of my lessons won’t have to be yours. But if they are, take heart that you aren’t alone.

Sending you all love, KH