I thought about quitting…

This was obviously not the post I planned on writing next for this series. But sometimes you can’t plan for the twists in the road of life. So, here we are.

I stand behind everything I write on this blog. So, everything I’ve said about facing your fears and overcoming obstacles is information I believe in wholeheartedly… until I don’t.

That was always the “fun” part of being a therapist. Giving information to people that I knew in my heart of hearts was really, truly, good stuff. But y’all, I can’t lie, it was so darn hard to follow it in my own life!

If you’ve read the last post of this series, you know that I’ve been through some massively difficult business experiences in the last couple of years. If you need to catch up, click here.

Leaving that environment, the first thing I did was, simply, breathe. I went home, hugged my husband, kissed my kiddos, and just thanked God that he brought me through it. I thanked Him again for the fact that I didn’t have to go back to that place again tomorrow.

I took my hair out of the mandatory bun, peeled the mandatory eyelashes off my eyes, washed the mandatory makeup off my face, looked in the mirror, and felt the absolute joy that comes with realizing my life (and my appearance) could now be my own again.

But every now and then I’d open my email and feel that old familiar rush of dread. That sick feeling in my gut I’d get when I’d be afraid of what my corporate office had sent: Who are they suing? Me? My favorite colleague? What money are they asking for now? Do I even have any money left? What new, crazy rule have they implemented? What is the new ever-changing and ever-increasing bar I’m supposed to meet now? Who are they going to belittle or tear apart? What do I need to read between the lines to understand? What did I do wrong now?

And then, again, I took a breath.

And I reminded myself that all that wasn’t my life anymore. The ill feeling would eventually subside, and I could finish scrolling through my emails and social media.

But as is the case with any job, I’m still connected to the good people I used to work with, so I see social media posts of their thoughts and their lives… and sometimes, the darkness creeps back in.

I had one of those nights recently. An old colleague of mine posted something and the comments that followed led me to realize that my former company had, very recently, created their own new blog. Strangely enough, that blog has similarities to this one… and that’s all I’ll say about that.

But right there, I started to feel it creep back in…. That “I’ll never win” feeling. The gut check you get when you thought the bully was gone, but you walk around the corner and there he is again.

The thing is, when you are the smaller guy in a big, toxic, corporation, you are always fighting a losing battle and you get drained.

I mean that both literally and figuratively.

In the literal sense, there are ridiculously lengthy contracts, funds being siphoned, and shady deals happening without your knowledge – All. The. Time. The odds are always stacked firmly against you… and they know that and use it to their advantage.

(To be clear, I fully and completely understand that I signed a contract and I knew – or was supposed to know – what was in it). But, I’m also not a lawyer and while I had legal advice going in, there was a slew of information that was impossible to know prior to committing. You don’t even realize these loopholes exist, until something comes up and you reread your contract to find them. By then, it’s too late. More importantly, I trusted that the people I had entered into contract with had my – or at least the business’s – best interests at heart. Unfortunately, as it played out, that was not the case at all.)

In the figurative sense, you also become emotionally and mentally drained. You get sick of fighting. When every day and every little thing is a battle that you can’t win, it’s exhausting. In psychology, we call this “learned helplessness.”

From Google dictionary: “a condition in which a person suffers from a sense of powerlessness, arising from a traumatic event or persistent failure to succeed.”

And so, I wanted to quit.

Why bother?

As I sat on the couch at 1am because I couldn’t sleep, I turned this over and over trying to find the way out of my negative thought cycle.

And then it hit me… I don’t need a fancy website. I don’t need pretty links. I don’t need professional photos. I certainly don’t need carefully constructed and superficial words and narratives. I don’t need a marketing company or anything else artificial to make this blog successful. That’s not why I believe people are here reading these posts (if you were here for that, I’m sorry, I can point you to prettier sites). I believe that you, my lovely readers, are here because this crazy road of life I’ve been on has fortunately left me with a unique combination of education and experience that – at times – helps me put words and advice around the situations you are going through.

Nothing fancy, just real talk from real life – sometimes with a little psychology twist. There is nothing fake about these words and no secondary motivation behind them.

So, today’s “lessons learned” includes some doosies… here we go:

1. I don’t quit. I may choose to walk away or change course, but I don’t quit. I’ve worked too hard, done too much, and I’ve never been a quitter… I ain’t starting now!

2. Imitation is the sincerest form of flattery.

Here come the big ones….

3. You can encounter abusive people outside of the traditional familial or romantic relationship. Most people don’t consider this, but emotional abuse can also be experienced in professional relationships. Until you’ve been in a professional relationship (that you are legally bound to stay in and/or your livelihood depends on) and the people above you scream, steal, publicly belittle, lie, and cheat… you’ll never understand how powerless a workplace can make you feel.

4. Because emotional abuse in the workplace isn’t acknowledged very often, people who experience it often just try to push through, feeling very alone in dealing with an issue that’s rarely talked about or named. So, often, it seems like you’re left with no other option than to put your head down and work harder. The problem is, it doesn’t take long to feel even more frustrated that you are working so hard for nothing. There is no end point in sight and the cycle keeps going.

5. It takes a LONG time to process through and deprogram the thoughts and feelings that are left after being in this type of toxic environment for a long period of time. Regardless of how you got out, you will have work to do. Even when you think you have a handle on it, those thoughts and feelings will get stirred up in scenarios that replicate experiences you had. I’ve had multiple people tell me they have a hard time trusting themselves and others now. That each time something about our old business gets brought up the anxiety and depression they experience is intense. You must step back and take stock of where you are, who you are, and all the accomplishments you have that don’t include your former employers… which brings me to my next point:

6. Often, abusive employers hired you or “chose” you because of all the qualities you have that are amazing. They wouldn’t have wanted you on their team or as part of their “family”, they wouldn’t try to win you back, they wouldn’t continue to try to be better than you, and they wouldn’t try to destroy you if you didn’t possess qualities that are absolutely amazing. Always, always remember that.

7. And finally, remember that hurt people hurt other people. Insecure people project their insecurities on others and they create drama to avoid acknowledging their own shortcomings and failings. No one fights dirtier than a weak ego who’s at risk of being found out.

8. Wait, one more thing… No one is always bad or always good. One of the hardest parts about separating yourself from toxic and manipulative people is that, sometimes, they show what seems like a good side.  Their magnetic qualities come out.  The ones that are likeable, help to draw people to them, and make them temporarily successful or at least appear to be.  Your relationship with them can quickly swing from good moments to angry, awful ones.  It will leave you feeling legitimately crazy. When you are in a situation like this, you need to always step away and look at the whole picture. Check in with friends and family that aren’t a part of the same environment and get some feedback.  It will help you find your sanity and remind you that your perceptions of the professional environment you’re in are accurate.

I have talked with many people who went through experiences that were similar to mine and others who may have been in different situations, but worked for equally abusive bosses. Lessons 3-8 are the ones that are most critical for me to remember in these conversations. They are the reminders that I need when old emotions come back up and threaten to derail my progress. In a world where the superficialities of money, fame, and success are more important than being good to one another, I fear that the types of work environments I – and others – have experienced are going to be present more and more often. If it’s happened or is happening to you, I hope you’ll come back to this post when you are feeling like you want to give up and need to find something to hold onto to help you through.

Read it, and then read it again, and know that you are awesome, and you can do and overcome anything.

And if you can, walk away. Always remember that your mental health is more important than money, superficial success, or “winning” according to the rules set by others. You don’t have to explain yourself.

You may feel like you are losing the battle, but someday when you find yourself smiling again, you’ll realize you won the war.

Sending you all love, KH

P.S. since my first post on this topic, I have had so many heartfelt messages from people who found what I said helpful to them. I have been overwhelmed with emotion several times knowing that this blog is making a difference and impacting people positively. Thank you for your kind words, your thoughts, and your support. Please keep up with sending me messages here or through Instagram, Facebook, or Twitter. I love, love, love hearing from you all. It means the world to me.