Toxic Workplace Culture
This is something I knew nothing about prior to my last business venture. Every company I had ever worked for prior to this had blips of drama or difficulties here or there, but they were nothing compared to what I experienced in my most recent career chapter.
Before I go any further, let’s define what a toxic work environment looks like (I will be attaching some articles at the end of this post if you want more info):
From Wikipedia:
“A toxic workplace is a workplace that is marked by significant drama and infighting, where personal battles often harm productivity. Toxic workplaces are often considered the result of toxic employers and/or toxic employees who are motivated by personal gain (power, money, fame or special status), use unethical, mean-spirited and sometimes illegal means to manipulate and annoy those around them; and whose motives are to maintain or increase power, money or special status or divert attention away from their performance shortfalls and misdeeds.”
This definition says everything I could ever want to say. It was the first definition I hit on when I started my search and it is, really, everything.
I have seen this from every. single. side. That’s how you know you are neck deep in dangerous waters… when you can identify with every single side of an issue.
Looking back on all the experiences I have had, in multiple different business settings… here is the only piece of the above definition that I disagree with. Toxic workplaces are not the “result” of toxic employees in and of themselves.
I firmly believe the cultural tone of a company is always created from the top down. If the leaders scream, gossip, act catty, compete with their employees, lie, and steal, then they have established a precedent and should expect that is how others in the company will behave as well.
Everyone could be considered a “toxic employee” by an employer who is toxic. For example, in the environment I worked in, it was always everyone else’s fault. Literally. The people at the top never did anything wrong and everyone below them were ‘evil’, ‘stupid’, and/or ‘incompetent’. Standing up for yourself or what you believe to be right in these scenarios is even worse. For me, that meant that my marriage, my family, my education, my appearance, who I was as a person… literally everything… was up for public disparagement.
In situations like this, those at the bottom must scramble to figure out how to avoid negative repercussions. Have you ever seen Survivor? I actually don’t like that show at all (sorry, not sorry, give me my Bravolebrities please!) but that really is what it feels like in this type of environment. Everyone is scheming, or creating secret plans, or feeling paranoid, or trying to create alignments with others so they can stay out of the line of fire, and/or maintain favor with the right people, and/or win… whatever that means (in my case, that million dollar prize was just an illusion).
When it seems that everything is on the line, it turns into one of those everyone for themselves type of situations. While I believe wholeheartedly in personal responsibility, I also believe the people at the bottom of the equation aren’t at fault here. They are just doing their best to respond to what’s happening around them… most of which they have absolutely no control over. They don’t make the rules, they are just forced to live with them.
Now for the psych angle: In family systems therapy, there is something called a double bind communication. In essence, this term refers to those situations where you are receiving two conflicting messages on two different levels. One message comes via direct (usually verbal) means and the other comes through indirect (usually behavioral, or demonstrated) means. In these situations, it is virtually impossible to find the right response. A correct response to one message makes for a faulty response to the other message. You literally cannot win.
Nearly every person that I have talked to that has worked in a toxic workplace has indicated that this type of communication dynamic was present. If you don’t understand this process, it’s maddening to face it in a work environments because you simply don’t know what to do to be successful and everything you try fails.
To help you understand what this looks like, here is an example:
(Direct or Verbal Message from boss) We are a team or we are a “family”
(Indirect or Behavioral Message demonstrated through actions)
Consistently engages in “team” activities that pit members against each other; people in different levels/segments of the company are actively discouraged and/or forbidden from communicating;
corporate officers frequently hold meetings or offer opportunities to customers or staff without telling managers/franchisees; the corporate office frequently berates managers in front of staff and colleagues;
corporate officers openly pride themselves on people being fearful of them;
or corporate actively states that they aren’t interested in anyone’s opinion outside of their own.
Are you seeing the pattern here? In contrast with the direct messaging about being a team and family, the behaviors in this workplace tell a very different story. On one hand, we want you to work together (words) but will do anything we can to discourage that and isolate you (actions).
It’s important to understand that responding appropriately in these kinds of situations is impossible. You are not crazy, the but the messages you are receiving are. This is the reality of everyday life in a toxic environment.
If you are or have been in a culture like this, here are my lessons for survival:
1. (*MOST IMPORTANT*) You will be criticized, threatened, and belittled no matter what you do, so do what you need to do for yourself. Whoa, that’s a lot of truth for a Wednesday morning, right? I think this may have been the most freeing truth for me and I wish I had realized it sooner. Once I saw that no matter what I did, I was going to be wrong, I figured… hell, I’m just going to take care of me! (And that’s where I picked up the selfish and negative label – I’m telling you, you just can’t win!) After this, everything changed. I stopped caring what was said about me, how I was treated, and how other people perceived me. I only focused on what I needed to do to live my best life. Game changer.
2. Find your tribe and refuse to let go. A support system is imperative. Toxic work environments will push to isolate you from coworkers. There is strength in numbers, but when employees are discouraged from communicating with each other openly, they are stuck dealing with things on an island (Survivor, remember?). To battle this, it is important to find ways to continue communicating with trusted colleagues. It will help you to stand up for your rights together and to support each other when things get rough.
3. Review your contract, know your rights, and seek legal counsel if necessary. I really can’t emphasize this one enough. It is 100% necessary for you to read your contract, read it again, talk with colleagues about it, seek legal counsel, etc, etc. It is absolutely imperative that you understand exactly what you and your boss/manager/corporate office can and cannot do. You need to know your rights and continually (re)assert them (even when it is discouraged by people at the top).
4. Dig in and defend your boundaries. Mmmmm, this one is a toughie. I am horrible at this, but I will say I got better at it as time went on. You must always push back when your boundaries have been crossed. There is a quote I like that says, “You teach people how to treat you by what you allow, what you stop, and what you reinforce.” (Tony Gaskins). This is very true in many situations, including the one we’re talking about. You always have a right to stand up for yourself… even when it makes other people uncomfortable or angry – or maybe in this case, especially when it does.
5. Find healthy communities and activities outside of work. I just had a Twitter conversation about this the other day and it reminded me of how important this is. Toxic work environments can make you feel alone, helpless, and discouraged. Regardless of whether or not you can find your tribe at work, you will need to also have a tribe outside of work. People who love and support you regardless of what happens at your job. People who can – and will – remind you of what healthy relationships/communication look and feel like. This will help to ground you when you feel like your world is spinning. If you can’t find this at home, seek one out via activities, church, or other gathering places. Resolve to find a group to plug into and to maintain these connections.
6. As always, leave the situation if you can. I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again: If you are able to leave, GO! Sometimes strength is not shown in how long you hold on, it is in the fact that you are strong enough to let go.
7. Forgive yourself when you fail and forgive those around you too. When you are surrounded by toxicity, you may find yourself acting in ways you aren’t proud of. You may find you don’t stand up for yourself when you should. You may not stand up for others. You may even treat other people badly because you have chosen to follow rules rather than your heart. I can attest to these and I have seen all of them in the people that were around me. Remember that when you are part of a larger toxic system, EVERYONE IS TRYING TO SURVIVE. Extend grace to yourself and to people you would otherwise love, if it were not for their actions in this type of environment.
In closing, I have gotten wind of many things that were said about me both while I was employed and after I left. One criticism I’ve heard is that no one should listen to me because I “gave up on my dreams.” Here’s what I actually gave up: dead weight. Toxic environments will always hold you back. What I gained was the freedom to pursue my dreams on my own terms. That is more valuable than anything else. When you are a part of that kind of culture, be selective about which criticisms you let in or give air time to, being especially wary of commentary from people at the center of the drama. Do what you need to do for you, trust your gut, and you will always find your way back to your dreams.
Some links for further reading:
https://www.cnbc.com/2017/12/15/11-traits-of-a-toxic-workplace-and-how-to-be-happier.html
Sending you all love, KH