Yesterday was ‘World Mental Health Day’ and although I had a different post in the works, I felt this was a more important topic to address.
Paying attention to your mental health is important for everyone.

But today, I really want to talk to my Moms. More specifically, my brand-new Mom’s. If you are feeling overwhelmed, tired, sad, stressed, or any other form of these words… then this post is for you.

Right after giving birth to my daughter, I remember feeling the best high I had ever felt. I was on cloud nine. My husband was the just the best human to ever grace the planet (I mean he is, but I was REALLY feeling the love right about then), we had just created the most perfect little human ever, and our whole family was around and doting on us. Grandparents were holding the baby, helping her when she cried, offering to let me shower and sleep when needed. I mean life was so, so good. I thought, “I got this!”

And then, the hormones shifted, our family left, I got a good look at my unpregnant yet still looking-pregnant body, my husband went back to work, and I felt like the bottom suddenly dropped out.

Image: PostpartumStressCenter

Remember that wonderful human I married? I still loved him, but now I resented him too. The fact that he could sleep through her nighttime feedings, leave the house to go do normal things, travel for work and sleep in a hotel with no screaming babies, go to the gym and work out, fit in his darn clothes… ugh! It made me so angry. I didn’t realize at the time that I wasn’t really angry at him, I was angry at my perception that I had lost the person who I was that did all those things too.

Additionally, my daughter struggled with a dairy allergy for several months before we figured out what was going on. She would literally just cry and scream for hours. I felt scared that I didn’t know what was wrong with her and angry that I couldn’t make it stop.

To make matters a little more difficult, I was exclusively pumping. This meant that instead of going to sleep after her night feedings, I would sit on the pump for another 30 minutes and then get everything washed and ready for the next session. All the while subtracting every second of time I was awake rather than sleeping.

I remember a lot of super sweet, loving, amazing moments, but I also remember crying a lot. I remember putting her down somewhere safe and then leaving the room so that I could try to collect myself. I remember one particularly difficult night when she finally slept for, like, 6 hours in a row. I, on the other hand, could not sleep because I was so paranoid that as soon as I dozed off she would wake up. At that point, I would rather just stay awake than feel groggy from 10 minutes of sleep. So, I waited, and she slept, while I stared at the ceiling.

And then I lost it.

I sat on our closet floor and sobbed for hours. I couldn’t stop. I remember finally waking up my husband because I thought I was going crazy. My husband is amazing at many things but being comforting in the middle of the night isn’t one of them… so then I was angry… and then she woke up… and now I was also frustrated. I took her into her room, fed her, rocked her, cried some more, and I think eventually both of us fell asleep. That was the night that I made two promises to myself: I was calling my Mom and asking her to come visit ASAP and if I didn’t feel better in a few days, I needed to talk with my doctor.

But here was the kicker about that night… not only did I feel stressed, sad, overwhelmed, and exhausted… but I felt GUILTY about feeling all those things. I had a gorgeous healthy baby. I had the blessing to be able to stay home with my daughter as long as I wanted to…

Why couldn’t I handle this?
Why was I such a bad mother that I couldn’t keep my shit together?
Why did I need other people to help me manage motherhood?

And then… it all passed. I started sleeping again, my hormones settled, and things slowly found their way back to a new normal.  I was lucky that I had two fabulous girlfriends with beautiful children who had been here before. I knew that what I was experiencing was, at least, semi-normal. I found a new version of myself and I started to enjoy my new life as a Mommy. Thankfully, I also stopped feeling inappropriate anger towards my husband, which I am sure he appreciated!

But for some Mom’s, that’s not the case at all. For some Mom’s, they have no sounding boards to tell them that these feelings are ok and normal. For some Mom’s, these feelings don’t go away. For some Mom’s, these feelings become so intense they must fight the urge to hurt themselves or their babies.

The CDC reports that 1 out of 9 women experience symptoms of postpartum depression and that can vary by state, making it as high as 1 out of 5 women in certain locations.

1 out of 5!

We don’t talk about this enough. Social media is filled with carefully curated images of motherhood. The newborn wrapped in the cute swaddle sleeping peacefully in her mother’s arms. The photo of mom exercising while her cooing infant lies on the floor playing with a toy (has anybody been able to make this happen with their kids? If so, I want to know what magic you have up your sleeve!). We see images of peaceful and loving moments… And then we feel guilty for feeling sad and stressed. We feel guilty and ashamed that we need to ask for help while all these other moms seem to have it all together.

Always remember that the images you see on social media (or in the media in general) are only the images that people allow you to see. They are the ones they either planned and prepared for or are the ones they selected after sifting through 30 others in which their child is screaming, spitting up on them, or having a blowout. And nobody usually posts the pictures of them crying while rocking their child who just won’t go to sleep, or stressing over every ingredient in the formula they decided to feed their child all the while feeling guilty they couldn’t breastfeed, or holding a heating pad on the painful blocked duct in their boob. Those are not the images you will ever see online but every Mom experiences some form of them.

New Mom’s and anyone supporting a new Mom (or also Mommies of new second, third, or fourth children)…

Do you know what signs to look for to know that you need to seek more support?
Do you know when to talk with your doctor?
Do you know what your options for help are?

These are important questions to have answers to.

It’s also important to note that there is a difference between “baby blues” and postpartum depression and anxiety. Per the NIMH, “Baby blues, which affects up to 80 percent of mothers, includes feelings that are somewhat mild, last a week or two, and go away on their own.” With postpartum depression, the NIMH states, “feelings of sadness and anxiety can be extreme and might interfere with a woman’s ability to care for herself or her family.”

If you experience (or witness your partner experiencing) any of these symptoms, please reach out for additional support. Friends, family, or your physician are a great place to start.  Seek out support groups in your area.  They don’t necessarily have to be about depression or anxiety.  They could be about breastfeeding… It doesn’t matter.  The important part is to find a way to connect with people that will listen and understand.  If anyone blows you off, go to someone else. Don’t stop seeking support and help until you get it.

To save the length of this post, I have linked articles and online screening links for postpartum depression and anxiety. I have also added support lines as that is often an easy and less scary place to start.

And Momma’s, remember, you are not crazy, you are not a bad mom, you are not losing your mind, everyone else doesn’t have it together either… you are simply new to this mom thing (or mom of multiples thing), you have crazy hormones pulsing through your body, and you need a little extra TLC. And that is totally, 100% ok.  It will get better. That little human you created will eventually smile at you and you’ll forget all about these hard first days.  And then they will learn to hug you and you will be a puddle of love!  Trust me, it will all be more than 100% worth it.  Ask for help.

Mayo Clinic Postpartum Depression Symptoms
Parents.com Postpartum Anxiety Article
The Postpartum Stress Center Screening Tool
NIMH Fact Sheet
National Suicide Prevention Lifeline: 1-800-273-8255 (there is also a chat function on their website)
National Alliance on Mental Illness Helpline: 1-800-950-NAMI

As Always, Stay Healthy as Heck! KH