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I recently had a long talk with one of my closest friends who just had her third baby. She and I have both struggled with newborns who were/are intolerant to certain foods and know all too well the mayhem that creates. I don’t envy my friend – trying to juggle a newborn along with two other beautiful but rambunctious little ones running around the house. It’s a lot.

She’s a Rockstar mom. Like, seriously, she’s an amazing Momma who seems to have all this parenting stuff down pat.

So, I was surprised when our convo turned to feeling stressed because she wasn’t following the newborn book script to a T. And then I remembered feeling that way when my little lady was new too. In fact, I believe I called her and tearfully had almost the same discussion with her, but roles were reversed. In fact, I’ve had this conversation with multiple moms and I have come to realize that newborn books can be great, but they can also be detrimental for new mom mental health if they aren’t put in the proper perspective.

For example, I remember the tension of reading that I should “let them cry it out so they learn to soothe themselves,” but then thinking… isn’t she too little for that? What if she can’t soothe herself? Or reading “Keep a schedule,” But I don’t feel like she – or I – am ready to be on one yet. Or “Leave the room and don’t come back until the end of her naptime,” but she is STILL screaming… what do I do now?!?!
Let’s get real about these books, the stress they can cause, and what to do with that.

First, two recommendations…

I personally chose to follow the “Moms on Call” book. It was recommended by another mom and I really liked the format. I found information on everything from sleep schedules, to feeding, to common illnesses and what to do about them. I highly recommend it if you want a quick reference and not a long read.

I have several friends that used “Babywise” and loved it. I read it before my little lady was born and I remember thinking I would use it, but it just didn’t seem to fit our needs once she was here. With that said, my friends that followed it swear by it, so I would also recommend this one if Moms on Call doesn’t resonate with you.

Both books are, honestly, great resources. The problem I’ve seen lies in the fact that both are written as if they contain the absolute truth on how to handle a newborn. They are worded in fairly strict ways that make you feel like you must follow exactly what they say, or your child will never sleep, eat, get off the bottle, or be a functioning human.

Mommas – we put so much pressure on ourselves to do everything perfectly. We try to pick the best foods, sanitize everything, create the perfect conditions to train a good sleeper, and on, and on, and on. But newborns are finicky – and different. They keep you on your toes and keep you guessing about a variety of things. So, it’s natural to turn to a book to find an answer.

For many of us, it somehow feels safer to trust the book, assuming the experts must be right even if it means we ignore our intuition. BUT these books are not bibles. You do not need to stress every time you break one little rule. It will all be ok.

What I’ve found is that 9 times out of 10, a mother’s intuition seems to be much better than any book. You just have to be brave enough to test it out.

As an example, one of the issues that came up in my conversation the other day (that I remember struggling with myself) was the concept of sleep location. Many newborn books strongly recommend that babies nap exclusively in their beds (crib or bassinet). They strictly instruct parents not to let babies nap in slings or swings or anywhere else. I mean that’s great and all, but it’s just not always conducive to real life. My daughter slept in her Bjorn frequently, as well as her swing, especially when she was dealing with food intolerance challenges. If that’s where she finally stopped crying and slept, then that is where she stayed until she woke up. My husband and I had tiffs about this frequently. He was a big fan of getting her to sleep wherever she would sleep while I, on the other hand, was so concerned about following the darn book.

My girlfriend was struggling with the same thing. Her daughter would start to doze and then as soon as my friend tried to put her down, she’d start screaming again. Her other two children needed her too. Her intuition told her to find a more convenient place for her daughter to sleep, but “the book” said the baby was supposed to sleep in her bed, so she felt guilty and like she was failing no matter what she did.
My advice? Put that little lady in the Bjorn, let her sleep, and tend to your other kiddos. The baby gets sleep, the little ones get their mother, and Mom stays sane. A win for all in my book.

That doesn’t mean I think you should totally disregard the books. Moms on Call was a saving grace for me in terms of helping to set up a schedule for my little lady, understand how to transition her naps, and know when/how to move her into solid foods. I checked that book for just about everything. I seriously loved it when I learned to use it right.

Although they are not written this way, I learned that the books present ideas, options, and guides. They should be a framework to help you create structure for your little one, but they should not be considered full of absolute truths. Often the information I got from my Moms on Call book was the first ingredient in my fix. But fixes also took a big serving of intuition and lots of trial and error.

Once I learned this, things settled a little bit. I was less stressed and didn’t feel so guilty all the time. Looking back, I realize that all those times I veered off the prescribed path were not a big deal at all. My daughter is a great sleeper and, for the most part, a great eater too. Being determined to get her onto a healthy sleeping and eating schedule was definitely part of that, but my ability to be flexible about how we got there made the process much better for both of us. (As I say that, my daughter just woke up screaming after napping for 30 minutes. Trial and error, my friends, trial and error – and patience as change and imperfection are inevitable).

Speaking with my dear friend that day, I reminded her that she had two other beautiful children that she has raised to be healthy and happy kids. She is such a good Mom and she needed to trust her gut. She knew what she was doing. And so do you.

Trust me, Momma. You got this. Use the books to help you but don’t let them make you bonkers. If your child wants to be held by you when they nap today… then so be it. (Those cuddly days are some of my favorite). There’s always tomorrow to try to get them back to bed again. And if not, you can try again in a day or two. It’s ok. Everything happens little by little. You’ll get there, I promise.

Oh and a glass of wine or a beer after they fall asleep helps sometimes too… just sayin’!

As Always, Stay Healthy as Heck my friends ! KH