In my last post, I talked about how I planned to make 2018 the year of facing my fears.  But was does that mean exactly? What is fear, exactly?  What is this thing that we let hold us back from so many good things in life?

In my years as a therapist, I heard this ALL the time.  “I can’t call that guy I like because I’m AFRAID he won’t like me.”  “I really love the job, but I’m AFRAID I won’t get it so I’m not going to apply.”  “I can’t get a membership at the gym, because I’m AFRAID I will look stupid trying to work out.”  This list could go on and on and on and on.

**Gut check moment** What is Fear for you?

What is your “I’m afraid” statement?  What is the accomplishment, relationship, or experience you are withholding from yourself out of fear?

Do you even know what fear is?  Do you know what this emotion is that is driving these decisions in your life?  Let’s look at the definition:

There is a really important word in that definition… do you see it?  It’s “BELIEF.”  The BELIEF that someone or something is dangerous.  It’s not that the thing is actually dangerous, it’s just that we believe that it is.  That’s a huge deal and the cornerstone for how you and I begin stepping into our fears and out of our comfort zones.

Let me give you an example of why this word belief is so important when it comes to asking ourselves what is fear for us.

I have a huge fear of palmetto bugs (yes, I’m using the name that sounds reasonably nice for these demonic insects from the underworld). Unfortunately, I live in Georgia where they are plentiful. Whenever we have spotted one in our house, I go through several subsequent days of imagining that I see them everywhere. I’ll see some slight movement out of the corner of my eye and jump BELIEVING that there has to be one crawling toward me. Except…

There’s not.

The only thing that is really triggering my fear response is my own belief that there has to be a bug near me, even though that isn’t actually true in reality.

Let that marinate for a second. My feeling of fear is triggered by the belief that it’s present, even when it actually isn’t.

Feeling scared of something doesn’t mean the scary thing is actually there.

Here’s the golden ticket: we have complete control over our beliefs.  We have the ability to save, modify, or toss any belief we want.  It’s as simple, and as hard, as that.

Here’s a good skill to start with.  I call it going down the rabbit hole.  Keep asking yourself “so what?” until you can’t get any farther.  When you hit that point, you’ll have found what we in psychology call a core belief or the real thing you are so desperately afraid of.  Then the question becomes can you handle that? 

If so, great!  That means it’s time for you to jump off and face that fear. 

If not? That’s ok too.  That just means it’s time to evaluate how you could cope if the worst case scenario happens.  (We’ll talk about this more in a later post)  Once you have that game plan together, it’s go time. 

Below you’ll find an example of me conquering my fear-related beliefs in regards to starting this blog:

“If I start this blog, people might not like it”

So what?

“They might laugh at me”

So what?

“I’ll have no followers”

So what?

“I’ll look stupid”

So what?

“I’ll be a failure”

So what?

“Well, nothing I guess.  I’ll fail and then I’ll have to move on.  Ok, I can handle that.”

So, what is fear for me then?

Nothing really.

What I found when I went down this rabbit hole for myself is that it’s not the first time I will have failed at something (and it probably won’t be the last).  I can handle failure.  And if I can handle it, then being afraid of it seems silly.  And thus, this blog began.  Try it for yourself.  What is the demon that’s holding you back?  Send me a message and let me know how it goes!

As always, Stay Healthy as Heck, KH